Body Count

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Disclaimer: I have evolved over the years into quite the liberal on the subject of promiscuity. My views on sex have come along for this journey of maturity even though to my credit, my thoughts have always been on the outlier of our cultural tenets. To simplify it, I was never the guy interested in bedding the virgin so some of my thinking may be biased in that sense. That is to say, most guys, especially Ghanaians, will not share these same liberal attitudes so do not take my disposition on the subject as a pathway to getting that ever coveted wedding ring that you’re under pressure to receive. Read with caution.

Before we get into it, let me just say that the concept of Body Count has always been a sexist idea, yet with tangible reason.

 

Sex in our culture is generally treated as a no-go zone until you are married even though most of us live to the contrary, including the elders that preach said chastity, be it in the name of Religion or Tradition. It is considered as a sacred act fit only for marriage and typically as a woman’s duty to her husband and consequently a form of reward to the man. This premise influences the concept of body count to a significant degree. It is a direct indication of a woman’s value based on the patriarchal order of our society. We will explore the whys in the next paragraph before I get into my own personal views on why it shouldn’t matter if all things are truly equal.

 

Ghanaian women, in general are raised to believe that their existence is only validated if they become a Mrs. You are raised to cater to a man’s needs, cook and clean for him, how to serve him and how to nurture his ego and be the manager of his home and the children born to the marriage. These are the determinants of a woman’s  value. These ideas are based in the traditional set up of man being the bread winner, head of the household — what he says goes, The Oga. Women are trained to manipulate this situation as best as they can, mostly by using their sexuality to manage this duty. It seldom works to their benefit because a lot of the men manage to find ways to get their sexual desires satisfied outside their marriage and it is an unwritten yet accepted rule that men will do what they gotta do and women are also trained to prepare for that and accept it. Women are not expected to resist or rebel but rather preserve their marriages regardless of how unsatisfied they may be in the marriage. Stepping outside of your marriage for sexual reasons is taboo for women. The underlying doctrine being, you shame your husband and bruise his ego. You take away his respect. He becomes a Kwaadonto.

 

This is the why: Men are raised to work hard, to become financially successful in order to be able to support a woman and kids. That is his most important defined role in addition to being the protector. All his hard work is to fulfill this purpose. The kind of woman he can marry is a direct correlation to his financial worth. This is what forms his view of women and their value to him. In addition to all her domestic qualities, she should be pure or in simpler terms, quite new if not absolutely new.  Of course, there are other sensible reasons why a non-promiscuous woman is projected as a smart choice for marriage, including having the peace of mind to work and earn a living without worrying about his wife doing full splits for random men while he’s away working etc etc. However, the most important bit of the equation is, after you’ve worked hard to become successful, your investment in a wife should be perceived as a valuable investment. A woman who has slept with the town army and the neighboring city soldiers is then not exactly viewed as valuable because she is “easy”. The best explanation would be, why invest in a used car with the same amount of money that will buy you a brand new one? Sounds logical, right? Your wife — your possession’s value is based in large part to this idea. This is the traditional setting. So if you’re a woman who wants to be taken care of by a man in all these ways, financially etc then you can understand how this is a fair assessment for men who are raised with the equivalent beliefs you have.

 

Here is the problem: We as a people have changed. Women are a lot of times the bread-winners or care-takers of their households. They are professionals, working sometimes more than their husbands. Educated, with their own dreams, goals and ambitions. They aspire to be more than just incubators and househelps. Their sexual appetites are not rooted in the premise of dutiful wife. They wanna try the wild positions and enjoy sex like their bodies dictate. They are looking for that satisfaction too. They are just like men because they are just as human. The men have mostly decided to take their leeway of being allowed to be promiscuous more importantly than their homely duties. Sometimes abandoning their families to start new ones and ignoring any of the conditions that came along with being husband and head of household. Our society frowns on women with failed marriages and devalues them on the fact that they may be unmarried mothers or unwed at certain ages so the trade-off of re-marrying or living single is less liberating and worthwhile for them.

 

With this history, the younger generation is much more reluctant to be governed by these traditional expectations. If we are being brutally honest, girls are constantly getting sexual advances in their teenage years, from their boy peers, older men with money and their own sexual desires. It is a bit silly to expect that level of chastity from them. Men and boys are wanting their women to be a combination of the traditional woman they’ve been raised to deem valuable and an Amber Rose or your pick of the litter of women who own their sexuality. So, we want to marry a pure woman who cooks, cleans, is great with the kids, has a well paying job, holds awesome conversations and fucks like a prostitute. We want them to give up themselves for men and still uphold our obscured perception of what gives them value. This can not be, it is simply unrealistic and impossible.

 

So, here is what I think: Body count is a personal choice. You should never allow anyone to determine your value based on the number of sexual partners you’ve indulged. The difficulty comes with being the woman who wants to be taken care of in the traditional sense described above. You have to be aware of the rules of those traditional expectations and live by them. Or, you can accept what you are and decide to be happy with yourself not being valued based on whether you have a wedding ring or not. I believe women are just as sexually active as men if not more and that is partly due to how many sex proposals they receive on a daily basis from all kinds of people including other women. It is illogical to expect them to turn down all these opportunities just because of some old traditional values that they’ve witnessed screw their mothers and aunties and friends into misery-ridden lives. They are getting it in, believe me on this.

 

If you have to ask a girl for her body count, you are approaching this thing wrongly. How can you ever be sure she is telling you the truth? It is quite silly. I know you’ve been told to multiply by three whatever number she gives you but believe me, if you truly love someone and you are happy with them, trust them and believe those feelings are reciprocal, it would or should be the least of your concerns. If your value as a man should not be determined by your past actions including all the sex you’ve paid for at Circle then you should afford women the same respect and pass you give yourself. You cannot have it both ways. If you are a traditional man who fits the mold of the above definitions then there are plenty women who will fit that criteria, find them and stop asking other women who do not ascribe to this tradition to conform. You will live a lie and get your puny heart ripped apart. If you are a woman who wants her sexuality to be her own, stop looking for traditional relationships that base your worth on your body count. The two different ideas will never merge because their basic expectations  are inherently opposite.

 

You cannot go about, having sex with women, enjoying it, then disrespect them for that very reason. All the past girlfriends you left in the wake of your exploits may have had expectations that it was going to last forever and now that you’ve moved on to the next vagina, why reduce their value to the fact that they had sex with you and therefore are undeserving of respect and dignity? Some guy has to marry her after you, no? If Ghanaian women would stop defining their worth and value on the idea of being marriage-worthy or being proposed to as the highlight of their lives, maybe they would care less about body count and approach their sexuality from a more personal decision basis and enjoy it as nature has made for it to be enjoyed. You can have multiple partners and be dignified about it in the level of responsibility you assign to your promiscuity.

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Here is where I land, in a fair view, body count should not determine a person’s worth. People deserve respect because they are human and that should be the end of it. It is not incumbent on us to be biased about whether or not a person deserves happiness and love based on how many people they’ve slept with. Unless, your expectations are in conflict with your actions, how you’ve lived and how you are living — your true desires should be what you live for. Unless you are just a ho.. male or female.. LOL

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4 thoughts on “Body Count

  1. Even though you warned against it, im going to let this post serve as a beacon of hope for the future of the Ghanaian male psyche!
    Because the struggle against misogyny and 50’s ideals is real in these skreets. Lol

  2. Even though you warned against do so, I am using this post as a beacon of hope for the future of the Ghanaian male psyche!
    Because the struggle against casual misogyny and 1950’s ideals is real in these skreets. Lol

  3. Woah! I hope this can be shared in a more public forum. Its a very important issue that needs to be adressed to reframe they way women are treated.

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